April 30th, 2012
have you ever been so busy
that you find difficulty stopping?
I’ve had a flat-out race to meet deadlines in these last two weeks and as of today I made it.
Wahoooooooo!
But, now, I am trying to come back down, to let my body relax and my mind shut down for a bit.
I know it will just take time, like waiting out a headache, but really, I do sometimes wish I trusted the drug-down route. Like drinking coffee in the morning to wake up the brain, but the shut-down drink. Oh well. I’ll just keep breathing. All will eventually calm.
April 28th, 2012
the problem with time
is that there is only so much of it.
The last couple of weeks have been so full that some things have started to slide. Tailfeather, unfortunately, has been one of them.
I started this blog because I was ill and needed to write to bring myself back into the world of mine and life. It worked.
I don’t intend to let this die, but I’m going to have to work on ways to pack more into less. Time that is.
Do you think there’s a way of compressing work, writing, life into the narrow sleeves of time?
Yeah, probably not.
But I’m going to try anyway.
April 11th, 2012
nightmare
I’ve been gone from that job for just over 10 months and I’m still having nightmares about having to go back there. Had one last night.
It’s both horrifying and hilarious.
April 1st, 2012
whole days disappear
I’m working on a couple of big projects right now and it seems like I go inside a thought and when I look up the calendar has jumped forward 2 days.
Last night I looked up at 9PM. I’d been working since I got up at 5AM. Before that I had crashed, but dreamt about one of the ideas I’d been thinking about, and the power of the dream was so strong it slapped me out of sleep. I stumbled to my computer so I could get down the dream, and most importantly, the dream word that held the whole dream in its pieces.
I did that. Started reading and next thing I needed more sleep and it was 9PM. And here I am the next morning at 7:30 having worked since 5 and realizing it is April 1. Last I knew it was the 29th.
Har.
The mind.
Oh, the new word from my dream is “diplumyin”. It means (according to the dream) “the flowering of a child.”
January 20th, 2012
applying to work for people who…
So I applied for a job today. I got an automatic response saying essentially We’ll call you if we’re interested. The message used the phrase “in a weeks time”. No apostrophe. Gack.
I sat for several heartbeats and just stared at it appalled. Imagine working for a company that doesn’t care enough about its own image to edit automatic emails. Would drive me bonkers.
I emailed back pointing out the mistake and correcting it for them.
Think I’ll hear from them again?
December 13th, 2011
timing is everything
October 27th, 2011
guess what I did today…
I completed one very big project and two small ones. One is already submitted and the other two will be off tomorrow.
Wahooooo! Think I’ll make custard and kiwi tonight and celebrate. I also ordered The Origins of Life by David Deamer and Jack W. Szostak. (It might also take the edge off my reading of Morton, but more on that later.) Reading Szostak will be a future delight.
(weeks of work, that was)
September 3rd, 2011
happiness recipe
Jonathan Haidt, the author of The Happiness Hypothesis calculates happiness and the sum of one’s setpoint, conditions and voluntary activities.
As an algorithm it sucks because it would also be true that C = H – S -V, which in English would be that the conditions of life equal happiness minus one’s genetic inheritance and minus one’s voluntary activities, which makes no sense at all. But this isn’t really about science, it’s about trying to discover, with some empirical validity, what makes people happy.
Briefly, S (setpoint) is the genetic inheritance you carry which largely sets the range of happiness you can experience normally. Some of us got a high range and grow up as happy bubbly kinds of people. (Hate the fuckers.) Then there’s the people like me who got the lower ranges. We tend toward what I call realism and my bubbly friend calls pessimism. The other important thing about setpoint is that we adapt fairly quickly to new conditions and so keep our regular happiness level within our range. Say you win the lottery. Happy, happy you say. Well yes for a little bit and then you will adapt and if nothing else changes you’ll go back to being just as happy/unhappy as before. This adaption is a good thing because if you become damaged in some way and think your life is over, you’ll adapt and go back to being your previous happy self. And, realistically, becoming damaged by life is a lot more likely than winning the lottery so this adaption serves us well.
C (conditions of your life like sex, age, race, disability, IQ) are the aspects of your life you cannot change. But there are aspects you can effect. For example, these five areas directly impact happiness because we do not adapt to them like we do to things like general wealth (or disability, etc.) and so they continually impact our happiness for better or worse.
- Noise either comforts or stresses us out. Silence is either scary or nurturing. But that occasional jackhammer your neighbour uses in his bedroom at 3AM? That’s going to decrease your happiness. Having a room to go for silence when necessary? That’s going to increase your happiness. Having control over noise is important to upping the value of C.
- Stop and go traffic and commuting decreases the value of C. Highway driving under good conditions increases the value of C. Has to do with freedom and a sense of control as well as getting into the flow of movement I suspect.
- Control over things is hugely important. If you have no control over anything in your life your happiness quotient sucks.
- Shame is going to drop your H level down the toilet (our out-house hole). If I were you I’d stop doing that thing that makes you so ashamed or if it’s your face (butt, boobs, mind etc) then either fix it or find a way to be grateful that you have one at all.
- Love is going to raise your H level. Not got a partner? Go get a friend. Have a good talk. Those hormones will get released just the same.
Voluntary activities are the things you choose to do on a daily basis. Apparently it is in this area that you can make the greatest impact on your happiness level. Here there are things like taking vacations, exercising, meditation, walking, helping others, learning something new. Because you choose these activities—and therefore exert control in your life—they are perhaps your easiest way of increasing your happiness level.
A word about work: work is critical to our general happiness because we spend so much of our lives doing it and because the value of creation and contribution is built into being human. Like love it is a condition of life that one can change but can become a constant over a long period of time. If your work sucks, your happiness sucks. We need to feel effective in the world so the idea is to find out what your particular strengths are and find work that uses those strengths daily. Want tests to measure your strengths? Go here.
On a more realistic note (given the need for things like food money and rent) if what you feel passionate about is poetry you’re in trouble because society doesn’t much value poetry and that is important. In the final bit of Haidt’s book he looks at the idea of coherence. When all one’s components of self are working together you will cohere and be happy. One of those components is social value. So if you work in an industry which either you have lost any sense of its wider purpose or society doesn’t value your group’s perceived purpose your inner coherence is destabilized to the detriment of your happiness. So getting a job in a world that society values (and you do too) is a good way to work toward your own happiness.
But say you still want to do what you love, and poetry is all you really think about. The idea is to create a life-work coherence which enables what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “flow.” How to do that? To craft a job that meets Maslow’s basic needs, provides gratification and coherence? I’m investigating that now.
Anyway, enough. There are a huge number of positive psychology sites and books out there on happiness and how to go about increasing its presence in your life. Good hunting.
September 2nd, 2011
don’t you find it ironic that
reading books about happiness make me less happy than I was before?
I’m reading The Happiness Hypothesis and like the book. It’s full of interesting bits about how the mind works and neat sites to visit to chase down your own bits and bobs that relate to happiness in your life. Frankly, after reading much of the book, the two things that have stood out is that my range of normal happiness is shit and that is the fault of my genetics. Hopeless misery, me.
The other thing that stood out is that there are fairly simple ways to learn to live at the upper end of your genetic range. So the range might be shit but at least you can live at the upper end of the not-quite-so-deep-and-smelly well of your own feelings.
And they are fairly simple things. Like, for example, getting a job in a field that allows you to gain some gratification in the doing of it. Me, I like learning, love beauty so working for a government agency that has nothing to do with learning and seems to take pride in ugly is probably not such a hot idea. I mean who knew?
Well, I did. But that’s not the point really. One has to be realistic and when rent is due a job is a job. There’s the crux of my problem with the whole chasing happiness thing. It keeps getting tripped up by reality. And then there’s the thing where religious people are supposedly happier because they have something to believe in. It doesn’t seem to matter if what the person believes is true or not. Or at least I haven’t seen any references to studies that examine the relationship between veracity and happiness. I mean based on what I’ve read you could believe in the tooth fairy as the great grand master of the candy-land world (which is greater and more powerful than this world) and as long as you believe in it wholeheartedly and it gives you a sense of deep purpose (making the ground into chocolate so as to bring on the candy-pocalyse?) you’ll be happier than some poor schlub who toils away at evidence and some semblance of veracity. Shitty way to organize the mind. I mean you’d think we were blindly evolved animals for Christ’s sake.
Oh well. The self-tests are kind of fun. You want to find out about your psyche? You can go to this rather neat site called authentic happiness. They have a lot of tests you can do to find out about what will make you happy – or at least things to do to increase your stock of happy.
Still, having done many of them now I have found out that I am a bit of a miserable bitch. And while that doesn’t surprise me, I don’t find it particularly happy-making.
Meh.
June 6th, 2011
just one of those days
The last two days I’ve been housebound. Not feeling well and sore where I had my surgery, so I stayed in, mostly in bed. I’m a bit underdeveloped when it comes to the ability to do nothing, and even reading hasn’t been alluring, although I have been reading a bit on the chronic stress related damage to the limbic system.
Still no poetry. And I feel the lack of it. I also haven’t attended to the page in the last two days either. Someone I know says that if he skips more than a day of exercise he feels it as a need, a desire to move and pull against gravity. I feel the same kind of thing I think, but for me it is the pull that words can exert when one tries to torque them in the pursuit of some hidden understanding lurking across the threshold of a word’s intelligibility.
Anyway, I have doctor appointments tomorrow so part of the day will be a rest break at a coffee shop so have baby-computer will write. Right now, I’m just going to try and sleep and let go of the idea that I did nothing all day and that this a was bad thing, a really, really bad thing to do – which part of me insists is so.


